Dear young fashion influencer, don't be cross

She tried to help me with my fashin statement and I offended her.

I’m sorry I upset you when you offered me advice. Now I’m trying to put it right.

It started when I posted a casual photo with a comment something like this: “It’s a cold wet horrible mid-winter day. Time to wear my funny hat.” Implying: “My orange bobble hat hand-knitted in the Malvinas always makes people laugh, and we need a laugh today.” That hat is not a fashin statement. It’s a gift to humanity, a hat with a mind of its own. I love it when my clothes cheer people up.

It was so kind of you to tell me, “Yor fashin statement sucks.” I was thrilled and answered straight away, “Thanks! That’s great!” Silly me.

I now realise you misinterpreted my cryptic reply. I couldn’t understand your words (they were in code, I think) but I got the message. You were very cross. You could have helped me but this stupid old bag rejected your help.

Yes, you could have told me what to wear. You’re over 20 so you know what’s in style, you know a lot about beauty and fashion. Your expertise is obvious in the 1330 photos and videos of yourself looking fondly at yourself, looking very beautiful and stylish, usually in a sari. Also a few photos of lipstick and one photo of macaroni cheese. Your 10,000+ followers are devoted to you, and you say, “In God I trust.”

But some of us silly old women just will not be told.

Strange to say, I do not aspire to be beautiful. That would require time travel.

Strange to say, I don’t aspire to make a fashin statement. I am content to look like myself: bright, ugly, happy, a bit silly — and old.

Which is why I don’t need fashion advice. And I won’t give you fashion advice either — that would be rude.

So how about you do your thing and I’ll do mine? I will wear old person clothes and you will be young and fashionable. Except… one day I will be dead and you will be old.

And if you’re lucky, someone will help you with fashion advice.

Next time I am offered advice by a fashion influencer

I’ve learned my lesson (although that means nothing with a short term memory problem like mine). I should either stay silent or offer a simple truism. No irony, no jokes. Don’t expect a young stranger to read my 20th century mind.